Don't Make Excuses

I never made excuses to other people for my ex-narcissist's despicable behavior.  I did however make excuses to myself.  I would rationalize and then try to justify his actions and words.  I blamed it on his childhood, or his inexperience with social skills.  That's one of the reasons why I allowed the relationship to go on as long as it did...I made excuses.  I got out for good when I realized that he would not accept accountability for anything.  He actually, truly believes that everyone does and should like, even admire, him just the way he is. I'm referring here mostly to his extreme sarcasm aimed at practically everyone, his criticism, ridicule and insults.  He is proud of those things.
As anyone with half a brain knows, when someone ridicules, insults, criticizes and spews sarcasm, they are merely attempting to degrade others while trying to prove they are superior.
Don't make excuses.
 

Narcissistic Men...Do We Call Them Human?

I've been researching narcissism and I found a very interesting article. It's practically a mirror image of my life with a narcissist.

• "Narcissists fear the female gender, but do not evidence their fear when associating with females. Instead their behavior and words indicate a dislike and distrust of female motives and intentions." read the article

Narcissistic Arrogance

Oh yes, narcissists are arrogant!  Here's an example and I'll try to keep it short.  One day when my ex-narcissist lied to me, I called him on it.  He was so apologetic (phony) he practically cried.  (I'm rolling my eyes right now).  But he said "what can I do to make it up to you, I'll do anything you ask"  (blah, blah, blah).  So I gave him a very small and reasonable request.  About a month later I asked him if he had done what I asked.  He said "no".  I asked why not.  He said "I changed my mind."  This is when I reminded him that HE was the one who made the claim that he would do anything.  To this his response was "oh, you took that literally?"
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they will suck you dry...slowly.  Look for the signs, the traits and the small stuff.  These are the things that pile up and if you don't get out early in the relationship you will get sucked deeper and deeper into the muck.

Will a Narcissist Change?

Will a narcissist change their ways? The answer to that is an emphatic NO! Although therapy can help to modify a narcissists behavior, they have no reason to change. They are perfect as is, and you don't exist as a person so they won't change for you. You could suggest going to a psychologist for help and the narcissist might agree to go, but he won't go for very long because the psychologist is stupid.  Narcissists rarely seek professional help.

Narcissistic Love: The Madonna/whore Complex

The narcissists motto: The object of my affection is my reflection.

According to Sigmund Freud, many narcissists suffer from a psychological complex which renders them incapable of combining love and sex to form a ‘normal’ relationship with any one person. Love and sex are immensely separate entities and can only be experienced with two (or more) people. The culprit, according to Freud, is known as the Madonna/Whore Complex.

Content Source: Bukisa - Narcissistic Love: The Madonna/whore Complex

Life With a Narcissist

Q. How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one to hold the bulb, and the world revolves around them.
In Greek mythology, Narcissus stopped to take a drink of water from a pool in the forest. He saw his reflection in the water and immediately fell in love with himself, he didn’t know that it was merely his reflection. Narcissus, unable to leave his ’love’, wasted away and died alone at that pool.


Content Source: Bukisa - Life With a Narcissist

                                                                 

Caught In A Lie

Most liars live by the same credo: “It’s only a lie if you get caught”.

People who lie usually do so for their own benefit. You’ve heard the saying ‘you can’t have your cake and eat it too’; well liars don’t believe that applies to them. Liars will elaborate on their lies and embellish them with ‘facts’. When liars are lying, they appear cool, calm and confident. If you have been fooled, hoodwinked, betrayed or deceived by a lying liar, it’s comforting to know that when they are confronted they all go through the same three predictable phases.

Denial and Defensive - This is when the liar will attempt to deny lying and then become defensive when they realize denial isn’t working. They will say things such as: I am not a liar! (Remember Richard Nixon) What are you talking about? What do you mean? Are you calling me a liar? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you asking me these questions? Yes, they will actually try to blame you for their lies.

Fear, Panic and an Attempt for Pity - At this phase the liar might appear to hyperventilate. They will claim that they are feeling nauseous. Here are a few more symptoms they will verbalize in an attempt to divert your anger to pity: Dizziness, feeling faint, dry mouth, cold sweat, unable to catch their breath. Some of these symptoms will be real and are brought on by the feeling of fear and/or panic which are brought on by getting caught lying. A liar doesn’t have any of these symptoms while they are telling their lies because ‘a lie isn’t a lie unless you get caught.’ Liars don’t have these ailments because they lied; they have them because they got caught.

Excuses and Apologies -Here we are at the final phase and chances are paramedics were not summoned for a case of dizziness or anything else. If you choose to ask ‘why did you lie?’ you probably won’t get an honest answer to that question. What you will get are excuses after the fact, such as: I don’t know what I was thinking. I made a big mistake. I used poor judgment. I made a bad decision. These are all excuses for telling a lie, they don’t explain anything and they are not reasons for poor judgment, bad decisions, and mistakes or for lying.


Finally you will hear: I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. It will never happen again. (Why did it happen in the first place?). Well, you get the idea about all the versions of apologies.

Content Source: Bukisa - Caught In A Lie

The Small Stuff

I want to emphasize again how important it is to be aware of the small stuff.  So many traits of a narcissist might seem trivial, but they pile up to form a narcissist personality.  For instance, my ex-narcissist does not hold a door open for anyone.  Sure we all are sometimes preoccupied or distracted and let our manners slip.  Not so with a narcissist.  One day I asked my ex-narcissist why he didn't hold the door for that 90 year old woman using a walker.  His response, and I quote, "Why should I?  She never did anything for me.  She should hold the door for me."  A narcissist really believes that they are superior to everyone and that everyone should tend to their needs.  This incident is testimony to that belief.

Pretty Little Liars

Okay, 'pretty' and 'little' might not be accurate adjectives but narcissists certainly are liars.  You might be thinking...so what, everybody lies a little bit now and then, no big deal.  That's the mistake that I made.  I viewed trivialities individually and didn't put them together as common traits of a narcissist. 

The truth sometimes has consequences for both the listener and the speaker.  Narcissists lie for several reasons but the ultimate goal is to have their way.  Narcissists lie because they're cowards...they don't want to face the consequences and they lie because they don't believe that they are accountable to anyone; yes that includes you.

If you have been lied to, you probably feel that you've been betrayed by someone you trust, so you confront the liar expecting to hear an apology and a promise to never lie to you again.  There is nothing sincere about a narcissist so the apology and promise that they offer are hollow words.  They definitely will lie again and again. 

Narcissists believe that they can do no wrong, so whether they tell the truth or lie doesn't matter to them.  There are no consequences for either.

Where Do You Want To Eat?

We've all asked or have been asked the question 'where do you want to eat?'.  We are all familiar with the possible responses such as:  'I don't care, wherever you want to go', et al.  Then there's that annoying scenario where you answer 'let's eat at Joe's', and the response is 'I don't want to eat there', so you suggest another place and get the same response.  To end the agony you simply ask 'well then, where do you want to eat?'  Yes, it's annoying but we are all guilty of it on occasion.  You might not recognize it as a trait of a narcissist because it is so commonly done, and you've done it yourself.  So you dismiss it the first, second, third, fifth maybe even the tenth time that it happens.  Then one day you will realize that you never, ever eat at a place that you suggest. 

When you begin to feel invisible, that's just one step towards the narcissist dismissing your existence and making you an extension of himself.  The narcissists goal in this situation is to eat where he wants to eat and more importantly, for you to want to eat where he wants to eat.

This might seem trivial but the trivialities pile up, don't let them go unnoticed!

The Aftermath

I've been out of the muck long enough that some days I don't even think about it.  Other days when I think about the drudgery that was supposed to be a relationship, I get so angry I can't even think straight.  Today was one of those days.  Fortunately the anger doesn't last long and I get over it.  I expect that someday I won't even think about it at all.

Books at Amazon:   

The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists

My Narcissism Articles...so far

Narcissistic Love, The Madonna/Whore Complex

Sigmund Freud identified the Madonna/whore complex in narcissistic men.

Life With a Narcissist

A very brief overview of narcissistic behavior and some traits to look for.

Books at Amazon:
Why is it Always About You?